~The Store~

I remember it all to well. Every time I'd go to the store, I would stand there at the cashier wishing her to ring up my items faster, and then my cell phone would start ringing. It would be "J" on the other end of the line. He was mad because the 10 min. I took had been too long already. He would tell me how stupid I was and didn't know how to shop. Hurry up and get home because he was pissed. I can still feel that fear I felt inside. He'd be more angry if I just walked away and came home without the items. But he was already angry, and I knew there was a fight on my hands when I got back to the house.

There was even one incident I remember more than any of the others. He had sent me to the store with my brother inlaws girlfriend. We were going to check out the new grocery store, get some items, and then come back home. The boys were sleeping, and he had the twins outside with him when we left. At the store I rushed as I normally would, but my companion on the trip was taking her time browsing through greeting cards. I was cashed out and ready to go, and she still was in the card section. I knew it had been too long already, but had hope that he wouldn't be angry since I was with her, and she was the driver.

We got home, his uncle was there and helped get the groceries out, and so did "J", he helped. Then we put some bags down in the kitchen and "J" asked me to come in the room for a minute because he needed to ask me something. He was smiling, and I thought nothing of it. But it was a totally different story once we got in the room. He grabbed me around my neck, held me up against the wall, telling me how stupid I was, and didn't care about the kids. I kept trying to beg him to stop, as I gasped for air. But he just kept coming back, pushing me, choking me. I saw anger in his eyes, the sort of anger that made me feel like I was going to die. Finally he stopped, and left the room, left the house.

Minutes later my brother inlaws girlfriend came in and said that "J" had sent her to check on me. It was like nothing was wrong at all, or had happened. But I knew that this was just the begining of the 2nd phase of his abuse. But still I stayed. I went into the kitchen, put the food away, made chesa for him and his friends, and even delivered it with a smile. I cried inside, cried out to God to please protect me, and please make him love me, as I felt he hated me more than anything.

Then once I finally got away from the abuse, this time, I had taken a trip to the store. The kids were with my babysitter and their family. I remember at the cashier, standing in line, the feeling of that anxiety welling up in my chest, couldn't she move any faster.... Then I took a breath, and remembered it was over.... Well at least for now it was!