Guam... an experience..

I just have to be thankful for many things I have experienced here on this island of Guam, as well as many lessons I have learned. I have learned how to be happy with next to nothing, including simple utilites. I have learned another way of living, living without, and that has taught me an appreciation for more than mere possessions. I have had the opportunity to meet and bond with some really good people. People that will always remain in my heart. I love the sky on Guam, whether it's day or night, it's always beautiful. I have also learned a new way of cooking, actually learned how to cook while on the island. I have also been through some really trying times while here on the island, but they have all made me stronger, stronger as a person, and stronger in my faith in The Lord Jesus Christ. I have learned to truly love and I am going to miss Guam when we go. I am a body of mixed emotions right now. But this is a new chapter, maybe a new volume, of the book I will write one day. But a few days from now, for now Guam, Adios, it's been a wonderful experience.

So Amazing

God is so Amazing.

How?

How? How can you still have so much compassion, and love someone so much, that has hurt you deeply? Impossible you say? It isn't, I know this feeling all too well now.

I have to admit that today was one of the hardest of all since this all happened. To be sitting across, not even 100 feet, from the one you love so much, that is a threat to your life. It's heart wrenching, in so many different ways.

I have the judge to my right, who I have done the unheard of to, and emailed him directly with my fears. I have the prosecutor to my left. The one who is supposed to be on my side more than anyone, but hasn't even heard me out through this whole situation. Then across from me, my husband, the one I have loved so much I withstood horrible abuse from.

I couldn't even look up from the table, couldn't even look at his face. I just heard the words the attorney said, the words my husband said, and then the words of the judge. All this time my heart was pounding out of my chest, as I stared blankly at the table, trying to keep from shaking too much.

I called out to God there in the courtroom today. Not only did I ask him to protect me and the kids, but I asked him to save my husband. As the judge gave his orders, and "J" got up to walk away I looked up, and still I see that same anger in his eyes that I remember all to well.

I can't imagine, and don't want to imagine the feeling of knowing he is being released, out, to do whatever he may chose. He could abide by the rules, but it doesn't seem likely. I don't want to live a life of fear, always looking behind me, locking myself in the home... Fear for your life and your children is the worst pain I have felt in my lifetime...


My friend, my savior, my sister in Christ, and my Guam mom are all in the same person. Helen, and without her I don't know where I'd be right now. She has been amazingly there by my side throughout this whole ordeal. She has set up a special account, linked it to paypal, and also to a web page for donations. These donations are an attempt to get the kids and I off this small island to safety before he gets released. Please take a moment to check out the link posted below, and pass it around if you may. God bless you and your family.


http://guamvictimadvocate.webs.com/

Feelings

During my life I've experienced many feelings. Good, bad, weird, funny, and many others. But there is nothing worse than the feeling that the one you love so much hates you. Never knowing what to expect, or when to expect it. Through this whole situation I always prayed to God to keep the kids and I safe. I'd even beg for forgiveness if it was my fault for the abuse.

It's odd how an abuser gets into your head without you even knowing they are there. They make you feel like you deserve the treatment you are getting. You are isolated, forced to hide the true person they are. Once they are gone you don't realize this right away. It takes time, a lot of time. Time to let go of those fears, those insecurities, and live.

I remember many times, only minutes after getting my head slammed into a wall, having to act like nothing ever happened. I had to cook a meal for and entertain the entire family that just walked in the house. I knew if I showed anyone that something was wrong, it would only make things worse. But before long it didn't matter who was around, if he wanted to do something he did it, not caring who saw him.

I do miss the cooking for the family, the family time, and other things. But the things that I don't miss outweigh those so much. Don't get me wrong, there were great times with my husband. I didn't marry an abuser, I married a man I loved, a man I wanted to grow old with. Over time I realized that staying in that marriage may even shorten my life.

It's not easy to leave, not easy at all. It's especially hard when you are a stay at home mom and wife. Then I had a little more disadvantage, due to the fact that I am so far from home and family. Leaving takes planning, attempts, help, and strength more than anything.

The first 2 times, when I got away from the abuse, I felt bad for him. So bad that I even wanted to lie for him, say he didn't do the things I knew he had done. I helped him out of it. I missed him, and I loved him. But with each time things got worse. It was always my fault that he went to jail, my fault he had to go to counseling, and my fault that he missed time with the kids. It was my fault he abused me. But it wasn't! I thank God so much for connecting me to my dear friend and sister "J". Without her I may be dead right now. She helped me to understand the abuse, and even almost understand his mind.

I really hope that he gets help. Even if he never comes back into my life, I don't want him to be the way he is. I love my husband, and I will always want the best for him.

God Is Great...

I have to say that so many times throughout this whole experience, I have truly seen God working in my life, and answering prayers, and without haste in most cases.

I have been praying actively about my situation. Still I have had some worry and stress about the whole situation and decisions. The other day I prayed and told God that I had done all I could do, and I wasn't going to worry anymore, it was in His hands.

Then before the hearing we prayed together (my Guam-mom and I) for God to give us more time to make the necessary moves and decisions. What happened was amazing. First we were given a week, then 2 weeks.

I just thank God for being here with me and for me through this trial, I thank Him for the people he has brought into my life to help me through, and I also thank Him for all He has planned for the future of my family and our situation.

The Lord is AWESOME, make no mistake about that!

TODAY

Today is a day of decision. Decision that I have no control over, and many decisions to follow. I woke up this morning feeling so sick. I have realized and understand that no matter who I talk to, attorney, advocate, probation officer, or even senator... they all don't matter. It's all in God's hands. He is the one who has control over everything. I am giving Him this day, and expecting His favor. I have faith that God has a plan in all of this. Just have to wait and see what that plan is, and where it's going to take us.

Prayer...

Dear Lord,
I thank you for this day and my children. I ask that you take all of the decisions of today in your hands and make the outcome in the favor of your plan. Lord, I know that you have a plan in all of this, although I may not know what that is. I ask that you protect the children and me, along with all of my friends and family. I thank you Lord for all the support you have given me throughout this entire situation, and I know that you will always be there, and will always listen, even when it seems no one else hears me. Lord give me rest, and help me to remember what I know so well about you. You are in control!


P.S.
If you read this please pray for everyone involved in today's proceedings.

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~The Store~

I remember it all to well. Every time I'd go to the store, I would stand there at the cashier wishing her to ring up my items faster, and then my cell phone would start ringing. It would be "J" on the other end of the line. He was mad because the 10 min. I took had been too long already. He would tell me how stupid I was and didn't know how to shop. Hurry up and get home because he was pissed. I can still feel that fear I felt inside. He'd be more angry if I just walked away and came home without the items. But he was already angry, and I knew there was a fight on my hands when I got back to the house.

There was even one incident I remember more than any of the others. He had sent me to the store with my brother inlaws girlfriend. We were going to check out the new grocery store, get some items, and then come back home. The boys were sleeping, and he had the twins outside with him when we left. At the store I rushed as I normally would, but my companion on the trip was taking her time browsing through greeting cards. I was cashed out and ready to go, and she still was in the card section. I knew it had been too long already, but had hope that he wouldn't be angry since I was with her, and she was the driver.

We got home, his uncle was there and helped get the groceries out, and so did "J", he helped. Then we put some bags down in the kitchen and "J" asked me to come in the room for a minute because he needed to ask me something. He was smiling, and I thought nothing of it. But it was a totally different story once we got in the room. He grabbed me around my neck, held me up against the wall, telling me how stupid I was, and didn't care about the kids. I kept trying to beg him to stop, as I gasped for air. But he just kept coming back, pushing me, choking me. I saw anger in his eyes, the sort of anger that made me feel like I was going to die. Finally he stopped, and left the room, left the house.

Minutes later my brother inlaws girlfriend came in and said that "J" had sent her to check on me. It was like nothing was wrong at all, or had happened. But I knew that this was just the begining of the 2nd phase of his abuse. But still I stayed. I went into the kitchen, put the food away, made chesa for him and his friends, and even delivered it with a smile. I cried inside, cried out to God to please protect me, and please make him love me, as I felt he hated me more than anything.

Then once I finally got away from the abuse, this time, I had taken a trip to the store. The kids were with my babysitter and their family. I remember at the cashier, standing in line, the feeling of that anxiety welling up in my chest, couldn't she move any faster.... Then I took a breath, and remembered it was over.... Well at least for now it was!

SPAM

SPAM~ Now I mean the one in a can, not the one that you find in your inbox. The first time I went to a McDonald's here on the island at breakfast, I was shocked to see that they served SPAM. I had heard of SPAM before, even seen the can in the store, but on the bottom shelf covered with dust. I had never eaten SPAM, and still haven't eaten it. But here is seems like it's a delicacy. There have been so many dishes I have seen on this island made with SPAM, it's amazing. My kids would say their favorite breakfast is SPAM, eggs, and rice. I don't make them eat this often as before, but they still love it.

So if you are feeling lazy, and don't care about the quality of food your children are eating. Get a can of SPAM, figure out how to open it, squeeze the sides, flip it upside down, dump it on a plate, slice it, and fry it for a few minutes on each side, add a side of rice, maybe a few eggs, and they will LOVE it.

LOL

~Marriage~

J (my current husband) pretty much picked me up off my feet after my divorce. He was there for me as a friend, and there for my children as a father. Things were great. We rented a nice little apartment, he had a job that supported us, we even got a brand new car, which was a first for both of us.

Things were not always easy, as times financially got hard. I saw a different side of J that I didn't really like too much, but let my love outweigh that. We were married in October of 2007, and things were good for a short time and then went downhill.

We had some problems financially, lost our car, and our home. But we managed to get another home, a nice brand new house. The first few weeks things were fine, but as the holidays drew closer, things started to fall apart.

This is when the abuse began. I knew from that moment that it wasn't right, and wondered how I was going to fix it.

~D~

Right after his first birthday D started to go backwards in development. He was no longer trying to walk or talk, but starting to crawl and be silent. I knew something was wrong. So I took him into public health, which was the only place we could go with our insurance being Medicaid. There was actually 2 really good doctors there, and they decided that something was definately wrong with him develomentally. The referred him to see a neurologist, and who knew that this would be the dumbest doctor I've ever met.

After many trips to the neurologist, testing of all kinds including MRI's, we still knew nothing. The doctor basically told me that I may never know what is wrong with him, and would just have to learn to deal with him how he was. Well I wasn't going to take this as an answer, and still won't.

I kept trying to get different types of help for my son. During that time we lost my mother inlaw and things just really changed for my family. My husband and I ended up seperating, only to divorce later. That is around the time that my current husband and I met, and fell in love, or at least I think so.

We lived together for about a year, he was really wonderful with my children and with me. I thought I had finally found the man like my father. Little did I know the horror was only about to begin.

Just begining.....

I am not sure how good of a job I will do at this, but I am going to try. I guess the best place to start would be to sum up the begining of how I began my life here on this island.

I was not doing good things with my life at the time, and somehow received an offer for a job here on the island. This was in April of 2002. So I decided that I'd come, do the job, fulfill the contract, return home and get my life together with the money I had made.

My ticket was paid for, after missing the first flight (almost intentionally) I made it on another flight a few days later. I have never been good with geography, and thought I was going to a foreign country. The trip was long, and emotional, as I didn't know what to expect.

I arrived on Guam, didn't approve of the job I was brought her for, so therefore I voided my contract, and thus, lost my ticket back home. So I found another job on the island, made friends, withstood a few typhoons and earthquakes. Met my first Guam husband, and got pregnant with my now 6 year old.

Once I was pregnant with my son D, I wanted to go back home. I had a little taste of the horrible health care on the island, and didn't want to be pregnant and have a baby here. Also there was still no power a month after a super typhoon. So things worked out, and I was on my way home to VA.

I went to VA and spent the time of my pregnancy with my mom. My mom and I were never that close. But I have to say, I believe God put us together for that time for a reason. We bonded so much, and had such a great time together. Well I had my son in August of 2003, and decided I was going to come back to Guam to raise a family with my best friend.

So I returned with my 2 month old infant in the month of October. By the next September we were a family of 4 and not 3. We added another boy E, to our family. Things were pretty good with the simple island way of life, but it just wasn't enough. I couldn't stand the attitude of being where you are and never doing anything more with your life.

Around this same time we found out that D had some sort of developmental delay / disability. This started a journey... a journey through medical professionals that aren't proficient, adovocating for my child, and so many other things I will outline throughout this blog.