Feelings

During my life I've experienced many feelings. Good, bad, weird, funny, and many others. But there is nothing worse than the feeling that the one you love so much hates you. Never knowing what to expect, or when to expect it. Through this whole situation I always prayed to God to keep the kids and I safe. I'd even beg for forgiveness if it was my fault for the abuse.

It's odd how an abuser gets into your head without you even knowing they are there. They make you feel like you deserve the treatment you are getting. You are isolated, forced to hide the true person they are. Once they are gone you don't realize this right away. It takes time, a lot of time. Time to let go of those fears, those insecurities, and live.

I remember many times, only minutes after getting my head slammed into a wall, having to act like nothing ever happened. I had to cook a meal for and entertain the entire family that just walked in the house. I knew if I showed anyone that something was wrong, it would only make things worse. But before long it didn't matter who was around, if he wanted to do something he did it, not caring who saw him.

I do miss the cooking for the family, the family time, and other things. But the things that I don't miss outweigh those so much. Don't get me wrong, there were great times with my husband. I didn't marry an abuser, I married a man I loved, a man I wanted to grow old with. Over time I realized that staying in that marriage may even shorten my life.

It's not easy to leave, not easy at all. It's especially hard when you are a stay at home mom and wife. Then I had a little more disadvantage, due to the fact that I am so far from home and family. Leaving takes planning, attempts, help, and strength more than anything.

The first 2 times, when I got away from the abuse, I felt bad for him. So bad that I even wanted to lie for him, say he didn't do the things I knew he had done. I helped him out of it. I missed him, and I loved him. But with each time things got worse. It was always my fault that he went to jail, my fault he had to go to counseling, and my fault that he missed time with the kids. It was my fault he abused me. But it wasn't! I thank God so much for connecting me to my dear friend and sister "J". Without her I may be dead right now. She helped me to understand the abuse, and even almost understand his mind.

I really hope that he gets help. Even if he never comes back into my life, I don't want him to be the way he is. I love my husband, and I will always want the best for him.